Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
