I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
