well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
