I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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