Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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