She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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