does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize