I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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