But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
