I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
ttyl tear gas
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
