so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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