OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
