Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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