Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
