The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
