he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize