well I can't set my house on fire every night
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
