We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
