Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
