I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
