we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
