I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
