Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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