I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
