i need an iv and a liver transplant
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
