Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
