he thought i was a dude.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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