3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
