did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
