Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
