ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
