I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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