just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize