You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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