I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
