chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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