i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
