I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
