she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
