hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
