I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
