I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
