Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
