Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
