hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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