I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
