I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
