There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
