you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
