she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
