I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
