one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
