Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
