I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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