I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
